"Sorry for the tease."

As much as I wish I could, I simply cannot control these obnoxious raging hormones in my short, teenage body. I do enjoy crushes, but not flings. It would be nice to be in a relationship, but my preferred maturity level seems to be as rare as a highschool student who uses proper grammar and spelling. Oh, what a world.

Reflecting upon this past year has brought me to some realizations and things I must express. For example, just like there are shallow girls who think with their boobs, there are equally shallow guys who simply have no balls. I would just like to say right now that when it comes to telling someone how you feel/breaking up, I find it disrespectful to do so over the phone, texting or facebook. I believe that if someone really had those feelings, they would do the honor of expressing it face-to-face, no matter the possibility of rejection.

In all honesty, there are four guys that come to mind when I think about my "crushes" from last year. And there seems to be at least one more at the moment; whether it's mutual or not, I have no clue anymore. I know it used to be, but whether it still is remains to be seen.
Yet there's still this feeling floating around that he's somehow gonna let me know he's simply not interested anymore. This is a personal problem: my fear of rejection and the ever-present core issue of being abandoned/left by men throughout my life. Also, I trust my instincts. I may not always be able to read people-- in fact, I mostly suck at it-- but, be it a blessing or a curse, I pick up on emotions like sharks on blood. Even through text messages, there always seems to be a signal in my brain that senses meaning behind words.

The point I'm getting to is this: I'm basically sensitive to bullshit. If you're flirting, I can tell if it's fake. If you're trying to make conversation, I know if you would really rather not. I don't say it all the time, but I know. And I really wish people would quit faking.

I try not to be one of those girls who denies she's attractive when the subject arises. I genuinely try to be modest with my you-don't-have-to's and lightly accept the compliments with "Oh, stop it... You're beautiful!" We all have self-worth issues and I do my best to fight mine. Honestly, though, it seems like most guys see me as something purely physical to just mess around with. I get that it's natural, to some degree, to be physically attracted to someone before you know them; but self-control wouldn't kill you. In fact, it would win you major points, no matter how slutty the girl may seem.

The other extreme is feeding off personality: what I like, know about, and am interested in. Bringing up an mutual interest to your advantage in order to impress will not always work. Modest is hottest, man, even personality-wise. Also, do not try the question game. I beg you. It's okay for fun and games among friends, but everyone knows it's gonna get sexual and only needy people will resort to that. (No offense or anything.) If you have something to ask, then ask. If you have anything to say, then say it.

As for Facebook status updates, it's honestly so completely low, disrespectful and concieted of anyone to be as passive as "I'm so over you, so suck it :)" or "You hurt me so bad... I hope you talk to me soon.... I hope I didn't offend him..." Really, just say it to their face. If you really wanted to get a message across so desperately, that's the only way to do it. This brings me to my personal favorite, "I'm so ready to move on and I'm not talking to you anymore! so over this drama, I'm not even gonna let you get to me!!!" That's basically dedicating your status, for all friends to see, to the person you're "not talking to" and "so over." If you really want to feel empowered about your decisions, keep everything to do with them away from social networking sites.

Brutal honesty is the key to all of this; being up front and honest, genuine, and not playing games. Despite the social norms and unspoken rules, taking chances with being the bigger person is a lot more rewarding than beating around the bush.

This has been a lot more scattered than I had originally planned. Maybe I'll come back and try to piece it all together sometime.

Why I Broke Down In Tears At Warped Tour

I couldn't sleep last night, so I drew this octopus. Based off the album art of some random compilation from Hot Topic.

Back on subject, with all that's going on, I really just want to freak out and start throwing up, cutting and smoking because that's what I feel like I should be doing. What do you do when you're counting down to what you never thought would happen?

So here's how I've been seeing/experiencing things the past few weeks: I'm couch-ridden because I can't lay flat in my bed due to having a cyst removed from my tailbone. I know, gross. But it hurt like a mother#$%&*@ for a good week and a half before I could sit up in a slightly more normal fashion. They left part of the 5cm incision unstitched to heal on its own and it still hasn't closed. Anyway, for the first few days I was kinda just chillin' and watching tv because I couldn't exactly go out for a jog; and my sister was parading her friends in and out of the house while I'm laying there looking like a cancer patient. I couldn't remember a time when I felt more disgusting and I just happened to see people I haven't seen since freshman year. I also overheard her talking about how I'm on a crap ton of pain pills so I wouldn't be conscious of anything going on around me. DEAD WRONG, HONEY. I saw and heard everything, especially when she ran down the stairs at ungodly hours (for summer, anyway) and started bashing ex-friends with her current friends. She used my stuff when I couldn't even climb the stairs and lent my clothes out to her friens without permission. I felt so helpless and frustrated. I honestly would've been fine with it if she had simply requested permission, which would not have been hard to recieve; but instead, I finally make it to my room four days later to find the contents around my sink askew and misplaced. What's really sad, too, is that I hardly even talked to her during that time period. She never really stuck around long enough or made much an effort to start a conversation and neither did I. But I guess she stuck around long enough to pretty much hate my guts as well as those of my mom, so she retreated to dad's for the weekend and pretty much decided to do what we all saw coming.

I feel like a horrible person for wanting my old bed back from her room and other frivolous things that may result in her moving out, but honestly, I'm not really sure how else to cope right now. I need to find some bright side to focus on because the logic in my head is keeping me from numbing everything down and retreating to the razor blades. I'm hoping that's a good thing...?

Amidst all this tension, I need a release. An artistic outlet, perhaps, as with everything else. There are so many details I can't even begin to describe that seem to be tearing my family apart from the inside out, ripping at even the materialistic cords we dared to hope would hold most of it together until we all arrived at a mutually peaceful agreement. I feel so stupid right now.



After getting rescued from the Attack! Attack! pit at Warped Tour, I sat on the curb while my friend remained in the crowd. I didn't know what to do with myself, sitting like a total loner, and the only thing I really had was my phone. So naturally, I opened up facebook. Lo and behold, my sister's simple status: "_______ is moving.."

Now after a few incidents at home before she packed up and left for dad's for the weekend, how could we not see this coming? Really. There were a few comments ("WHAAA?!" "When??" "Whoa what? Text me!!" ":((") and I really just wanted to slap everyone in the face and say WHAT THE F*CK, ARE YOU ALL BLIND?!

I texted to confirm and she replied ten minutes later with "I was gonna tell you when you got home." At like, 10pm. After being on my feet and in the sun all day, eating sick nasty junk food and not being able to mosh because of the hole above my ass.... "Hey, welcome home, how was your day, did you have fun OH BY THE WAY I'M MOVING OUT." Really.

Even before I recieved the anxiously awaited reply, I sat on the curb on the verge of tears, surrounded by high and drunken scenesters and a plethera of litter. Chin in hand, I stared in the general direction of the sun, contemplating how I would try to hide this from everyone just in case I wanted to completely lose it within the next few weeks and didn't want anyone to stop me. A grown man stood a few feet away, hugging a friend and wearing a deeply pained expression. He then looked over, sat down next to me and bluntly observed the saddened look in my eyes. I hollowly stated I was "just waiting for a friend" and he briefly explained his current struggle. "But we've gotta hold our head up, man," he said, "and be strong [for the ones we love and care about.]" I pursed my lips and nodded slightly, eyes widened. He told me come on man, smile. I did. The kindness of strangers gives me hope.

After the band finished playing their amazing set, my friend texted me and said he was looking for his wallet. So I sat and waited longer. Convenient time to spot your ex among the crowd, eh? Wallowing in grief and self-pity. Anyway...

I texted a completely plastic message back to my sister--"whatever's best for you sister" or something like that-- and put on an oh well life goes on looking mask for the rest of the evening.



More details later, perhaps, as the happenings unfold. My family is in desperate need of your prayer and good mojo. Senior year is going to be super hard for me, I only pray that I'll be strong enough to ask for support.