As much as I wish I could, I simply cannot control these obnoxious raging hormones in my short, teenage body. I do enjoy crushes, but not flings. It would be nice to be in a relationship, but my preferred maturity level seems to be as rare as a highschool student who uses proper grammar and spelling. Oh, what a world.
Reflecting upon this past year has brought me to some realizations and things I must express. For example, just like there are shallow girls who think with their boobs, there are equally shallow guys who simply have no balls. I would just like to say right now that when it comes to telling someone how you feel/breaking up, I find it disrespectful to do so over the phone, texting or facebook. I believe that if someone really had those feelings, they would do the honor of expressing it face-to-face, no matter the possibility of rejection.
In all honesty, there are four guys that come to mind when I think about my "crushes" from last year. And there seems to be at least one more at the moment; whether it's mutual or not, I have no clue anymore. I know it used to be, but whether it still is remains to be seen.
Yet there's still this feeling floating around that he's somehow gonna let me know he's simply not interested anymore. This is a personal problem: my fear of rejection and the ever-present core issue of being abandoned/left by men throughout my life. Also, I trust my instincts. I may not always be able to read people-- in fact, I mostly suck at it-- but, be it a blessing or a curse, I pick up on emotions like sharks on blood. Even through text messages, there always seems to be a signal in my brain that senses meaning behind words.
The point I'm getting to is this: I'm basically sensitive to bullshit. If you're flirting, I can tell if it's fake. If you're trying to make conversation, I know if you would really rather not. I don't say it all the time, but I know. And I really wish people would quit faking.
I try not to be one of those girls who denies she's attractive when the subject arises. I genuinely try to be modest with my you-don't-have-to's and lightly accept the compliments with "Oh, stop it... You're beautiful!" We all have self-worth issues and I do my best to fight mine. Honestly, though, it seems like most guys see me as something purely physical to just mess around with. I get that it's natural, to some degree, to be physically attracted to someone before you know them; but self-control wouldn't kill you. In fact, it would win you major points, no matter how slutty the girl may seem.
The other extreme is feeding off personality: what I like, know about, and am interested in. Bringing up an mutual interest to your advantage in order to impress will not always work. Modest is hottest, man, even personality-wise. Also, do not try the question game. I beg you. It's okay for fun and games among friends, but everyone knows it's gonna get sexual and only needy people will resort to that. (No offense or anything.) If you have something to ask, then ask. If you have anything to say, then say it.
As for Facebook status updates, it's honestly so completely low, disrespectful and concieted of anyone to be as passive as "I'm so over you, so suck it :)" or "You hurt me so bad... I hope you talk to me soon.... I hope I didn't offend him..." Really, just say it to their face. If you really wanted to get a message across so desperately, that's the only way to do it. This brings me to my personal favorite, "I'm so ready to move on and I'm not talking to you anymore! so over this drama, I'm not even gonna let you get to me!!!" That's basically dedicating your status, for all friends to see, to the person you're "not talking to" and "so over." If you really want to feel empowered about your decisions, keep everything to do with them away from social networking sites.
Brutal honesty is the key to all of this; being up front and honest, genuine, and not playing games. Despite the social norms and unspoken rules, taking chances with being the bigger person is a lot more rewarding than beating around the bush.
This has been a lot more scattered than I had originally planned. Maybe I'll come back and try to piece it all together sometime.
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