Jealousy

Jealousy will be the end of me. Especially if I let yours dictate me — continuously— I have tried apathy, pleasantry, empathy, becoming your enemy. I am in agony. I am so graciously, unbearably caring and I would never consider daring to question the thickness of your skull and the dull independence you desperately strive for.

Instead, I am endlessly avoiding your superfluous, annoying subroutine of smiles and lies with a thick plastic coating that conceals your eyes. And you say you put your heart on the line, but you’ve pushed it so far that it’s nowhere in sight. And you act like you care so much when the truth is all you do is judge. And you think you need just a touch of that opposite sex, that he will make everything better; except it’s always too much and never enough.

You think you can handle yourself when it’s rough, and no matter how tough or how tall the walls you put up, you still manage to mess things up. When you flirt, you stutter. Stumble when you strut. You get high on attention when you act like a slut. And no amount of pushing, literal pulling, constant convincing, despondent reminiscing, blatant cheating, or subtle deceiving will distract from the fact that you walk around bleeding from deep wounds of desperation, on your perpetual search for reparation of the pain you refuse to let yourself feel.

I don’t know you. I know the way you act. I don’t not like you. I despise the way you interact with my friends. “Talk to me. Come over here. I have to say something important that she can’t hear.” I can only imagine what goes through your mind when you’re trying to keep me one step behind. “I’ll mention something she won’t understand so I can feel better about who I am. She thinks everyone loves her, but I know that I am above her. I have more talent in the bounce of my hair than she ever will.” I know you’re scared. I’ve seen it since day one and don’t think that I am that blind, because I’m not just anyone.

I’ve had so much crap from you that I don’t deserve. I almost can’t believe that you’d have the nerve to treat others as minorities as if you have authority when all of your priorities are self-seeking. You’re so lost, you couldn’t find yourself in a mirror. I can’t believe I let you make me feel so completely inferior to your antics. It couldn’t be any clearer that you're frantic to keep people at bay so long as you continue to have your way.

Not everyone’s going to fall for your tricks and I cannot wait until the day when that little switch finally clicks. I sincerely hope it hits you like a ton of bricks when you realize that guys will refuse to be your quick fix and the friends you neglected may have never respected you. All the time you invested to make sure you’re protected has greatly affected the life you thought you knew.

So don’t think that your jealousy will be upsetting me anymore. For the life of me, I cannot see how others play along with your insecurities and petty things that will do nothing for you in five years. No, I will not buy into the personal chaos you’ve organized to attract all eyes, mesmerize and distract from the humility of your peace of mind. I am no longer agonized because I’ve finally empathized and left it at that. I am through with being your welcome mat because no human being was made to be stepped on. I have finally found my place of peace where I am out of your shallow reach and I genuinely hope you can broaden your views because I would love to see the real you.

Dear Mom,

Thank you for not spoiling me. I cannot express how wonderful you are for not giving me everything I've ever asked for. Thank you for teaching me the value of modesty, perseverance, and self-worth. Thank you for greeting me as Sunshine, Beauty, Sweetheart, Beautiful and Wonderful Girl throughout my life. Every time I've learned a hard lesson through experience, I've realized that it was something you've talked to me about before and I just didn't listen. Mom, you've always done what was best for me, whether I realized it or not. Thank you for helping me when I didn't even want to help myself. Thank you for seeing the light in me that I once refused to acknowledge. I hear my friends talk about how much they get away with becase their parents "just don't care," and sometimes wish you were like that; but then I realize how grateful I am to you because you do care, and you also want me to experience life to the fullest. You see how unique I am and always tell me how much potential I have. Every day, you say good morning, no matter how late I sleep. And every night, you make sure to give me a hug and kiss before you go to bed. I am so deeply sorry for taking my frustrations out on you. I can't promise that it will stop, but I can promise that I will always love you and will never stop reminding you of that. Thank you for washing my clothes, dishes, driving me to school and home from rehearsal, preparing my meals and teaching me do it myself because you actually hate cooking. I will take every opportunity I can to say "I love you," because you do the same for me, and it always makes my day brighter. Thank you for providing the comfort of your arms and soothing sound of your voice whenever I need it. Words could never express how much I love seeing your smile, hearing your voice, and laughing with you. I appreciate everything you've done and continue to do for me. I love the conversations we have, whether they're heart-to-heart or about nothing in particular. I feel as if I can tell you anything because you've told me you'll always love me no matter what. I trust you with my life. Sometimes we get on each other's nerves because we're two totally different people, but that's okay. I love you, I care about you, I appreciate you, and I could never ask for a more wonderful, beautiful, strong, smart, caring woman to be my mother.

I love you to the moon and back.

-Caia

If I can hardly get out of bed, what will help me through the day?

I'm suffocating under every blurry thought, deafened by my pounding heart. My head struggles to keep its balance on top of everything convulsing underneath, as if fearing a revolution led by a careless tongue. It's all just too much.

I glance across the hall and every fiber of my being freezes as my tired eyes fall upon our new storage space. My sister's freshman-year nickname is spray-painted on the wall, the only part of her that's left in this house- besides the few belongings that my mother hastily packed into garbage bags to sort through at some later date.

The room is neat and tidy, with freshly laundered sheets covering a twin-size bed that sits near the corner. It used to be mine, but it means nothing now. What good is a bed, a room, a storage space, an empty 2nd floor without my little sister? My other half? My best friend?

I've been too busy telling myself it's for the best that I haven't once stopped to even quietly grieve her absence. I worry about her every moment of every day, constantly wondering how and what she's doing at my dad's house. After all, she basically left so she could do whatever the hell she wants. It angers and saddens me to seemingly no end.

I now sit here, in my bedroom, as far away as possible from the door that I have to open every day in order to go about my daily routine; the door that preserves the vast emptiness that is the absence of the one person who has always known me best, despite the fact that I almost never share myself with anyone.

At the moment, I don't care what happens to me or what I do to myself. I can't shake the overwhelming feeling that nobody cares- how stressed I am with classes, how frustrated I get with people, how desperate I am to just find someone who won't disregard everything I say. I feel so shot down and pushed around by virtually everybody right now.

When she was around, she would listen. Even when I fully convinced myself that she wouldn't care about what I dealt with, she would somehow always let me know that she'd listen to every word I say. I could never hide how I was feeling. Whether she knew what to do or not, she always knew what kind of mood I was in.

She's been gone since August and I really don't know how I've made it this long. She completely disregards my mother's feelings and when I get a text from her, it's most likely asking a favor. I cling to it, convincing myself it's better than nothing at all.

Obviously, she's not coming back. It's reasonable to assume that things would be worse off if that happened. But I need my sister. I seem to have no real connection with anyone compared to her and she took it with her when she left, like turning the ground beneath my feet into ever-shifting sand.

Whenever I try to move, every three steps only feels like one, and I grow tired so easily.