Jealousy

Jealousy will be the end of me. Especially if I let yours dictate me — continuously— I have tried apathy, pleasantry, empathy, becoming your enemy. I am in agony. I am so graciously, unbearably caring and I would never consider daring to question the thickness of your skull and the dull independence you desperately strive for.

Instead, I am endlessly avoiding your superfluous, annoying subroutine of smiles and lies with a thick plastic coating that conceals your eyes. And you say you put your heart on the line, but you’ve pushed it so far that it’s nowhere in sight. And you act like you care so much when the truth is all you do is judge. And you think you need just a touch of that opposite sex, that he will make everything better; except it’s always too much and never enough.

You think you can handle yourself when it’s rough, and no matter how tough or how tall the walls you put up, you still manage to mess things up. When you flirt, you stutter. Stumble when you strut. You get high on attention when you act like a slut. And no amount of pushing, literal pulling, constant convincing, despondent reminiscing, blatant cheating, or subtle deceiving will distract from the fact that you walk around bleeding from deep wounds of desperation, on your perpetual search for reparation of the pain you refuse to let yourself feel.

I don’t know you. I know the way you act. I don’t not like you. I despise the way you interact with my friends. “Talk to me. Come over here. I have to say something important that she can’t hear.” I can only imagine what goes through your mind when you’re trying to keep me one step behind. “I’ll mention something she won’t understand so I can feel better about who I am. She thinks everyone loves her, but I know that I am above her. I have more talent in the bounce of my hair than she ever will.” I know you’re scared. I’ve seen it since day one and don’t think that I am that blind, because I’m not just anyone.

I’ve had so much crap from you that I don’t deserve. I almost can’t believe that you’d have the nerve to treat others as minorities as if you have authority when all of your priorities are self-seeking. You’re so lost, you couldn’t find yourself in a mirror. I can’t believe I let you make me feel so completely inferior to your antics. It couldn’t be any clearer that you're frantic to keep people at bay so long as you continue to have your way.

Not everyone’s going to fall for your tricks and I cannot wait until the day when that little switch finally clicks. I sincerely hope it hits you like a ton of bricks when you realize that guys will refuse to be your quick fix and the friends you neglected may have never respected you. All the time you invested to make sure you’re protected has greatly affected the life you thought you knew.

So don’t think that your jealousy will be upsetting me anymore. For the life of me, I cannot see how others play along with your insecurities and petty things that will do nothing for you in five years. No, I will not buy into the personal chaos you’ve organized to attract all eyes, mesmerize and distract from the humility of your peace of mind. I am no longer agonized because I’ve finally empathized and left it at that. I am through with being your welcome mat because no human being was made to be stepped on. I have finally found my place of peace where I am out of your shallow reach and I genuinely hope you can broaden your views because I would love to see the real you.