The Tradition of Change

As a child, I always loved traditions. They gave me something to look forward to--they were a constant. I always insisted on doing things the same way every year for Mother's Day, Christmas, Thanksgiving, some birthdays, and Father's Day; however, I'm far beyond questioning whether or not it's really for my own personal benefit.

My family has always been anything but traditional. I guess we've always had our own ways, but they were so different and, as I saw it, uncomfortably abnormal. I tried to accept it, or at least act like the situation didn't bother me, but I always knew I didn't like it. I didn't like that I only saw my dad on the weekends and wednesday nights, even though there were times when I didn't want to leave. I didn't like that things would go unnoticed if we could potentially recognize it as a family, because I wanted us to be brought together. I wanted just that: a family.

I've seen all these commercials, shows, movies, and even family friends in a stable, healthy father-daughter relationship, and it infuriates me every time. I get so frustrated because I thought I had what they have, but I never did. Perhaps at one point, but all I can recall is being the parent in the relationship and it makes me so mad. Why should I have to worry about the bills, groceries, debts, and other finances at 8 years of age? How am I supposed to know how to handle that? I wanted so much to just fix everything so my daddy would be the fun-loving, gentle figure I longed for him to be.

What's worse is I felt as if I was horrible at covering up my true feelings. The only way I knew how to communicate was with passive aggression, and that got me into an even deeper hole. It was under the influence of the closest adults in my life that my thought processes became so routinely black and white. Divorced parents. Strict mother, relaxed father. School and weekends. Obedience and personal responsibility. Even a year and a half of treatment hardly scratched the surface of what my head goes through every day, dragging my heart along with it.

My personal mantra these past couple of months has simply been: "You are not responsible for how others think, act, or feel. And only you are responsible for yourself and your own happiness." It's been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but it's worth it. It comes with pros and cons, but I'm working on it, and I'm slowly beginning to accept myself again. I'm not going to give in to the subconscious mind games that tear me apart from the inside out. He is out of my life for the most part, and I think it should stay that way. So for now, Happy Father's Day. I'm sure you'll be fine with your apparently new girlfriend and two other kids. You never were one for traditions, anyway.