If I can hardly get out of bed, what will help me through the day?

I'm suffocating under every blurry thought, deafened by my pounding heart. My head struggles to keep its balance on top of everything convulsing underneath, as if fearing a revolution led by a careless tongue. It's all just too much.

I glance across the hall and every fiber of my being freezes as my tired eyes fall upon our new storage space. My sister's freshman-year nickname is spray-painted on the wall, the only part of her that's left in this house- besides the few belongings that my mother hastily packed into garbage bags to sort through at some later date.

The room is neat and tidy, with freshly laundered sheets covering a twin-size bed that sits near the corner. It used to be mine, but it means nothing now. What good is a bed, a room, a storage space, an empty 2nd floor without my little sister? My other half? My best friend?

I've been too busy telling myself it's for the best that I haven't once stopped to even quietly grieve her absence. I worry about her every moment of every day, constantly wondering how and what she's doing at my dad's house. After all, she basically left so she could do whatever the hell she wants. It angers and saddens me to seemingly no end.

I now sit here, in my bedroom, as far away as possible from the door that I have to open every day in order to go about my daily routine; the door that preserves the vast emptiness that is the absence of the one person who has always known me best, despite the fact that I almost never share myself with anyone.

At the moment, I don't care what happens to me or what I do to myself. I can't shake the overwhelming feeling that nobody cares- how stressed I am with classes, how frustrated I get with people, how desperate I am to just find someone who won't disregard everything I say. I feel so shot down and pushed around by virtually everybody right now.

When she was around, she would listen. Even when I fully convinced myself that she wouldn't care about what I dealt with, she would somehow always let me know that she'd listen to every word I say. I could never hide how I was feeling. Whether she knew what to do or not, she always knew what kind of mood I was in.

She's been gone since August and I really don't know how I've made it this long. She completely disregards my mother's feelings and when I get a text from her, it's most likely asking a favor. I cling to it, convincing myself it's better than nothing at all.

Obviously, she's not coming back. It's reasonable to assume that things would be worse off if that happened. But I need my sister. I seem to have no real connection with anyone compared to her and she took it with her when she left, like turning the ground beneath my feet into ever-shifting sand.

Whenever I try to move, every three steps only feels like one, and I grow tired so easily.